Feline Diet

The Feline Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans ! Except for cats that eat like people such as getting lots of table scraps most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite) . the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure . Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food: look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Rooster

Rooster

Farmer Brown woke up one morning to discover that his one and only rooster was dead. The chickens had started to get rather restless, so he called his friend, Farmer Black, to see if he knew any place he could get a rooster. Farmer Black told him that Farmer Red, two roads over, was trying to sell some of his roosters, Farmer Brown thanked him, and drove over to Farmer Red's. He knocked on the door and Farmer Red answered. He told him that he wanted the horniest rooster he had. He had just the rooster. He came back a minute later with the rooster at his heels and said to Brown "This is Rudy. He's the horniest rooster I've seen this side of Texas." Farmer Brown took Rudy home and placed him in front of the chicken coop. For about and hour, he could hear was the flapping of feathers and very loud squawks. Rudy strutted out of the coop... and walked straight into the stables. For about an hour Farmer Brown could hear the stomping of hooves and very loud "neigh"ing. Rudy strutted out of the stable. But he didn't stop there. He marched straight into the cow's field. Farmer Brown, feeling he really didn't need to watch, went to bed. The next morning he woke up and walked outside, but he saw to his disappointment Rudy laying on his back on the front lawn, vultures circling overhead. As he approached the rooster, Rudy whispered to the vultures "He's coming closer... keep going! He still thinks I'm dead!"

Funny questions and answers about animals 2

Funny Questions And Answers About Animals
( 2 )

What's the definition of a narrow squeak ?
A thin mouse !!

How do mice celebrate when they move home ?
With a mouse warming party !!

Where do fish wash ?
In a river basin !!

Where do frogs keep their money ?
In a river bank !!

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute ?
A frog with hiccups !!

How do frogs die ?
They kermit suidide !!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph ?
A motor pike !!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth ?
Hard cheese !!

What do toads drink ?
Croaka-cola !!

What's the coldest fish in the sea ?
A blue whale !!

What do frogs drink ?
Hot croako !!

Where are most fish found ?
Between the head and the tail !!

Funny questions and answers about animals 1

Funny Questions And Answers About Animals

( 1 )

What looks like half a cat ?
The other half !!

What do cat actors say on stage ?
Tabby or not tabby !!

What is the cat's favourite TV show ?
The evening mews !!

How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant bird seed !!

What language do birds speak ?
Pigeon English !!

What do you give a sick bird ?
Tweetment !!

Do Apes kiss?
Yes, but never on the first date!!

What do mice do when they're at home ?
Mousework !!

What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see ?
Three blind mice !!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?
When it's raining cats and dogs !!

Loses his tail

Q : Where does a dog go if he loses his tail?

A : A retailer.

Horses at the Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens , the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me, it's this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He is not deaf , he is BLIND!''

Why do ducks have flat feet?

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do Elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks ..

Animals Jokes

Ducks in Heaven

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks."

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.

Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man."

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this."

The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."

IS THAT YOUR DOG ?

IS THAT YOUR DOG?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Animals Jokes

A lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Animals Jokes

Chickens want books

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say: Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Animals Jokes

Amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of
drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door.
Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest
player Mantle?"

Animals Jokes

Why did the cow cross the road?

Why did the cow cross the road?

To go to the mooooovies!

Animals Jokes

Why did the gum cross the road?

Why did the gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

Animals Jokes